When we choose not to discuss a particular issue (or in this case write about a particular issue) we also choose not to think about it. I believe that once you discuss/write something it makes it more real, thus you are forced to think about it, possibly revisiting a painful time. Avoidance is the quick solution to forgetting the past. 'Out of sight, out of mind' as they say.
Re: #19 of New Lease Resolutions: Forget those who deserve to be forgotten.
First I did it, then he did it. I quickly learned that a relationship that has ended in true misery is never that cut and dry, at least not for me. Six months ago I threw away every possible piece of evidence of our relationship: pictures, letters, ticket stubs, dried flowers, cards, emails, even songs, so as not to trigger unsettling emotions at any given time. The materials were gone and I locked away unwanted thoughts. For a while things were calm, quiet, and images faded. Then, on one arbitrary day, I began picking at the lock of the box hidden away in the darkness of my mind, collecting dust. I opened it, but this time, as I rummaged through, I felt a fondness. Memories no longer brought me to tears, but now smiles. Could this be? Only a few months ago was I afflicted, questioning to exhaustion the very essence of these "loving" events. Deceit, bitterness, anguish, none of these feelings were present. It was true. Time did in fact heal my wounds, though I did not realize it at that moment of nostalgia, time also diminishes the truth. Time softens the hard reality. The phase of fond remembering soon passed as did the previous feelings of anger and sadness, leaving behind apathetic notions.
Yesterday, as I began packing to prepare for my move, I was throwing away stacks of papers. Mixed between a short story by Stuart Dybeck and an old credit card bill, I found an envelop with "Rakhee" written across it. I pulled out a light blue card with a picture of two clinking champagne glasses on the front. I opened the card and it read, "To My Dearest Rakhee, Happy Anniversary. You are everything I thought you would be twelve months ago...and more. I love you. Yours Always,..." I gasped. I was caught off guard. I thought I had efficiently evacuated my room of any remnants. I tossed it over to the trash pile and out it went. But before doing so I read it over several times. It was a foreign object to me. I read it but it held no meaning to me any longer. It was nothing more than a thin piece of folded cardboard. It held no weight. This was the final piece of evidence in my possession (I hope) that he and I existed together. Now, I will tell you, I am not naive, not anymore. I don't expect that my past will never revisit me, but I do not intend on diluting it with materials that hold no relevance today. But if I ever do question my past relationship, I will remember a conversation I recently had with a friend in Brooklyn:
Friend: "You know what the best feeling is?"
Me: "What?
Friend: "When the person you broke up with continues to reaffirm why you broke up with them."
Me: "[I smile] You're so right."
A smile slowly came across my face as I realized how truly appropriate this statement was, "you're so right" I repeated.
Thank You for continuing to confirm my decision.
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7 comments:
you write about matters of the heart so well, and you still make sense of it all. I don't know whether to believe you or not, but I if your words are sincere than you are one step closer to true love.
In ref. to the deleted comment...
I did not write this post to attack anyone. I hope it was not received that way.
I was writing about the emotional process of forgetting and remembering. I appreciate the thought and support behind the comment but I had to delete it bc it was too personal. So, to whomever wrote it I hope you take no offense. Again, I do appreciate the sentiment but I hope next time, you can comment on the post itself and not my personal life.
You are def. wiser beyond your years. Geat post!
going thru a similar experience i remember the days when tangible memories would surface and it was almost unavoidable to not have a negative emotional spike within. but like you said, as the months went by time did heal the wounds and gradually allowed me to mentally visit the "hidden box" without feeling any of the toxic emotions that led to insomnia/madness months before.
i feel, initially, most people do the relationship equivalent of the "fight or flight" response. either we, like you said rakhee, do the out of sight out of mind routine and lock away those thoughts/feelings/memories OR actually wallow in the misery until we feel as if we're ready to move on. basically a chess match starring, head vs. heart, usually resulting in a victory by the head thru reaffirmation, that you did make the right choice and are doing what's best for YOU..
memories can fade but will never vanish for good, and knowing that better times are ahead, keeps us sane and keeps the glass half full. good post from the heart raks...
r-
Thanks :-) Glad to hear others can relate.
105 (and gaining...)!
And its not so much strength as it is clarity. But agreed...I am a pretty strong chic :-)
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