We exchange words and have no idea the weight they carry. People speak without thinking one hundred times a day. Once said, it’s out there, you made the impression, no getting it back. Recently I’ve been expressing my personal thoughts less and less, verbally that is. I’ve been learning that expressing myself aloud benefits no one, especially not me. That’s why I prefer writing. The amount of time it takes for your thoughts to reach your hand, then signal your hand to write, then send it back to your brain as you mentally recite and write simultaneously – that time is more vast. It is stretched. That time allows for reflection, as brief as it might be.
True, there are times when the impulsive way can be valuable and insightful, but how much can that really mean? So many times do we regret the words we blurt out or actions we take driven by pure emotion. Writing gives the ability to make a decision. It helps to translate the thoughts that hurt us, beg us and delight us. They all deserve to have a voice. I just choose to write because I find when I speak, I don’t feel as much movement. I also feel less logical. I can talk and talk for hours (and I have) trying to make a point and never feel fully satisfied with my explanation or claim. But I can write one impeccable and saturated sentence that gives me peace.
It used to be that I could write safely and solely for myself. Uninhibited I was, in my room with my pen and paper. Mounds of journals spanning 15 years, never read by another soul. Now, I am more selective because I know people are reading my thoughts. Somehow I feel I might be cheating readers and myself. I’m sure it would be liberating to just put it all out there. Afterall, what good are thoughts if they have no destination?
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4 comments:
yeah, I used to be one of those Cosmo Kramer types with a big mouth who had no way of censoring all of the asenine things that shot straight from his brain to his voicebox.
It leaves alot of room for being misinterpreted if people don't know you that well. People who know you and love you no matter what will say, "well, that's just crooked teeth being crooked teeth." So it's fine. On the other hand I've lost relationships because of the acerbic, insulting and condescending (read: stupid and impulsive) things I've said, so I've become more mute as of late (read: foot stuck in mouth indefinitely).
I think being understood properly is one of my core needs in life (outside of food, water, shelter, and..other libertine pursuits)..
I admire the fact that you put the thoughts that you do out there knowing that your friends and loved ones can read it and look at you differently. It takes guts and balls of steal to attach your real name to things; unlike those emo rock quiet types who hide behind uncleverly disguised handles...
(some of our thoughts have direct flights to private destinations of our mind, never to see a large commercial audience & maybe that's not such a bad thing...on the other hand it's better when you can express everything as you like and know that you won't scare anyone--or someone--away)
I appreciate the compliments as far as "attaching" my name to things. However, I don't think I reveal as much as I could - not nearly. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with this format of self-expression...so, we'll see where it takes us.
As for you C.T., you write very well! Disguised handle or not, your thoughts are quite interesting -- doesn't matter if we know who you are.
Q: The fact that you're desi, does that make it trickier for you to be "Rockin' w/Rakhee:Raw and Unedited" (i.e. brutally honest)?
Presumably you come from a good family with upstanding parents and all the classic trappings that all desi's are endowed with. :) And naturally that upbringing lends itself to a certain respectability with the whole "good girls don't speak of such things lest we disgrace the family" mentality. So I wonder if any of that factors in to what you commit to the blog and what you delete out for the cutting room recycle bin. Or maybe that has nothing to do with it and you'd simply be uncomfortable allowing people into intimate places; knowing that friends would see a different side to you.
And this is why I prefer the comforts of a nomme de plume. I would never want to self-edit myself for fear of getting the whole "ohh I read your blog, didn't know you were like that!?" look. Plus I get to feel like a superhero with the alter-ego, which is always very Cyrano meets Brucy Wayne-ish. I could have met Rakhee at some point in the last six months and she'd never know... ahh, the joys of anonymity.
Q: which would cause you more consternation/acid reflux: blogging about an ex or talking about a crazy weeked in Vegas when you decided to be free of rules? (kidding)
It's easier to bludgeon the truth to death while masked within an executioner's hood.
I never intended on dishing out all the dirty details when I started this blog. I believe half of the fun as a reader is interpreting. I like the fact that most of my readers are detached from my personal life (I think) and can take it in objectively. Of course there are friends and perhaps even family reading my thoughts and I also love to read their comments as well, since they think they "know" me and all.
Sure, I use my personal experiences as a catapult for my writing, but I don't want that to be the center of “Notes From Gotham”. I just don't think it's that interesting to read all about the literal events of someone's life (not to mention vain). Rather it is the ideas and feelings that develop as a result and hopefully turn into something that we can all relate to.
When I wrote about "putting it all out there" I was speaking more on an emotional level, not necessarily factual. And yes, Chai, being uncensored can be quite refreshing.
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